I’m 37, and My Mom is a 140-year-old Galapagos Tortoise—These 5 Trends Are Getting Us Excited for Winter.
A satirical piece that didn't make it to McSweeney's.
I don’t care if there is a 103-year difference between my mom and me. We’ve never even lived on the same continent — my dad was a naturalist who worked in Ecuador — though sometimes, we write. Through our correspondence, we’ve discovered we share one fun hobby: FaSHuN. And, over the years, she has become one of my biggest style inspirations. We may not be the same size, species, or even genus: I’m a 5’10 human woman, and she’s a 4-foot, 250-pound tortoise. It doesn't matter. She may have her own shell, but for us, "Fashion is the armor to survive the reality of everyday life." (Bill Cunningham said that.)
Despite our disparate climes and looks, we tend to gravitate toward the same items because we have similar aesthetics — namely, to look fabulous anywhere, at any time, at any size. I've never seen a picture of her looking anything but fashionable. Everyone in our diverse family goes to her for style advice. I'm constantly spending HUNDREDS on postage and tiny tortoise stationary needs, asking her about the latest trends and like, if I’m too old to still wear plaid mini skirts in the fall (NEVER!, she writes, tiny claw wobbling in her fury).
We thought it would be fun to see what we’re both excited about for winter, even though I’m in Colorado and she’s in the Galapagos. Since we represent different age groups, body types, and genera, we've picked ideas that can be styled for any climate, age, body, and genus. Nothing should affect what you should or shouldn’t wear!
"The dress must follow the body of a woman, not the body following the shape of the dress." —Hubert de Givenchy.
All you have to do is determine what your priorities are. Mom and I both like to rest and stay warm, and we both looooove the color red. Below are the five winter trends that we are currently coveting.
Whether you’re ready to hit the Colorado mountains or the Galapagos beaches, enjoy these winter trends.
Red
I don’t have particularly good vision like my mom does (thanks A LOT, HUMAN DAD!), but bright shades, like edible flowers, are a fave for mom and me. This winter, we’re into eye-popping reds. Think of matching poppy-colored berets perched on your and your tortoise mom’s heads — tres, tres chic!Elegant Flats
"Shoes transform your body language and attitude. They lift you physically and emotionally.” —Christian Louboutin I’m already pretty tall for a human, and I don’t know about you, but running around in the snow in heels sounds pretty risky. For mom, it’s exceedingly difficult even to find heels in her size — and forget about walking in anything above a kitten heel. That’s why this winter, we’re rocking tried-and-true, timeless flats. She prefers flats with a sturdier build, while I tend to go for sleeker, pointier fits. Mom has seen this trend come and go, and it’s always one of her favorites to fall back on (coincidentally, falling on her back is one of her least favorite things).Quiet Luxury
Few things can be more passe than Noveau Riche, but when you’re a tortoise with a giant LV emblazoned on your shell, it takes it to another LEVEL. No one needs to know where you bought every item of clothing on your person or shell — and why should you be a walking shell-board for them, anyway? We’re going for quality pieces that DON’T plaster their logos all over our clothes. Goodbye, garish, hello, classy.Cozy Knits
Neither my mom nor I like to be cold — it could literally kill her, after all. No perfect human or tortoise wardrobe would be complete without cozy, oversized knits in neutral colors. I’ll be pairing mine with jeans and boots, but Mom will probably drape hers over her shell, oh-so-devil-may-care. She is truly the Meryl Streep of the Galapagos (she loves it when I call her that).Skincare and SPF!
Since she’s spent decades in the sun of the Galapagos, Mom has always impressed upon me the importance of taking care of your skin. We make sure to wear high-quality skincare every time we step outdoors, even if just for a quick latte or grass nibble. Whether from direct rays or glare from the snow, the sun may feel great, but it ages both human and tortoise skin much faster than necessary. Earn your 140 years in due time, not because of a lazy skincare routine!
We share 90% of our DNA, and we can share at least 90% of these fab looks for winter, too. Whether your mom is a tortoise or a human, enjoy these winter finds! As mom and I (and Coco Chanel) will advise, we don't do fashion — we are fashion!
*note: this is a satire based on emails I’ve been receiving. As always, if it’s not your bag, baby, that’s cool — don’t pick it up.
HA. Love this.